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Get out of your head during sex

Updated: Jan 21, 2023

Stop faking orgasms

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Stop! You deserve pleasure.

Maybe you were bored and wanted it to end.

Maybe you didn’t want your partner to feel bad.

Maybe you just wanted to enjoy it, made a load of noise and didn’t “finish” as such but when your partner asks that question…did you come? You say of course I did, didn’t you hear me!? Even if you did enjoy it, you just lied about the climax.

The question is, why do we feel the need to fake it? And there is no right or wrong answer.

As a woman born with an underdeveloped vaginal canal and no womb (see previous blog!) I have grown to learn a lot about pleasure and the fact that it really is more than just penetration. More than in-out-in-out. More than what you see in porn. More than baby making. More than orgasms. I thought, is it just me who can only orgasm which at least some clitoral stimulation? Is it just me who can get naturally lubricated without anything going inside me? Is it just me who has had mind blowing, solely external, orgasms?

The majority of orgasms, so many studies say, are clitoral (for those with vulvas). Your vulva is everything externally and on the outside you can see your labia and clitoral hood. The term flick the bean comes from the part that may poke out a little or a lot (all clits are different!), the glans clitoris. I urge you not to flick this… unless your partner asks you to! This part of the clitoris isn’t very hard to find and feels different for everyone, but one thing it isn’t is the whole clitoris. It’s known to be the tip of the ice-burg. The clitoral structure surrounds the whole vulva with two hidden bulbs which bulge when aroused.

One mysterious and under researched myth is the G spot, which is in fact just your clitoral structure and an area of it that for some people feels amazing inside- usually not that far in though. Check out our Clitoris Chronicles here.

I can’t really get my head around “big dick energy” and toxic masculine comments I bet you can’t reach her G spot really does show the lack of knowledge.

Let’s talk about the Orgasm Gap, have you heard of it?

The publication of the International Academy of Sex Research says that gay and straight men, penis owners sleeping with penis owners, climax during about 85% during sex, women (and vulva owners) having sex with other people with vulvas orgasm about 75% of the time, then women in heterosexual couples really do come last at 63%.

One stat I haven’t seen is self pleasure, which must be higher than sex with a partner.

So men, the pride you have in your penis, the size shaming, the toxic idea that you will make your partner want to scream for more when you are continually poking her vagina, might just not be working for you. And yes, she probably faked it if you have not spent any time with her clitoris.

The best thing we can do, us bottom of the pack orgasm-havers, is communicate. Teach our partners. It is our job. Our orgasm, if we want one, really is our responsibility. There’s an abundance of memes mimicking how hard men find it to find the clit, but I’m bored of them. Teach them.

The point is, sex is more than orgasms. It is the whole experience. It is pleasure! You can have so much pleasure during sexual encounters and not everyone finds climaxing easy, so why not just try and enjoy it? The less pressure we put on the orgasm, the more pleasure we can have.

And of course, the majority of us do really want to enjoy an orgasm, but faking it is only giving your partner false information on how to please you. You will get stuck in a loop of faking it, until you communicate your needs. Tell them what turns you on, what isn’t working, what they could do more of. Learn about your self as a priority then explore each other and spend more time experiencing pleasure than focussing on the big O… are they going to come? Maybe not, and that’s ok. But it’s not ok if you’re only in it for your penis-friction needs.

If your partner doesn’t want to learn about you, you don’t need to fake it. You need to run for it.

Comment your thoughts, I’d love to hear them!

Ellamae x

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